The Turtle occasionally sticks his head out of his shell to take notes and make observations about what is happening around the traps.
The Turtle has a hard shell, something a few of his targets may wish to emulate, else they risk running the gauntlet with the Dummy Spit committee...
This week we will see Ash and the beanstalks umpiring the 4.30pm Premier League Match at TIO Stadium. If my maths is right, it would take 44 Ash’s standing head to toe to equal the boundary team of Paddy Parnell, Mark Loats and Sticks Kelly. And that’s without noting that Brodie has also been appointed to that match….
Which revered clubman took a weekend off to silently protest the current ‘one uniform policy’ after having to wear wet clothing for their second match due to rain during their earlier appointment?
Which NTFLUA President ran a match feeling ill and proceeded to ‘do a Brodie’ all over Nightcliff Oval for half of the game?
Which interstate Ranga fancies himself as a male model after prancing around Nightcliff pool like he was in a Men’s Health magazine?
Which NTFLUA Ex-President managed to conveniently injure himself and miss two weekends of umpiring during a period when their house was being self-fitted with a new roof?
Which NEAFL/League Umpire also ‘cashed in’ by installing the same roof having suffered the same fate at the same time?
Which Fitness Coach has consumed more alcohol in Glenelg this week than run kilometres in the past month?
Which Premier League Goal Umpire earns so much that his car has been targeted by thieves during match day?
Which developing Goal Umpire is putting all bar a couple of his running colleagues to shame on the training track at present?
Which Umpiring Manager appears to have taken his ‘Brian Mathers Tablets’ of late and appears to be in a happier mood than earlier in the season?
Which Boundary Umpiring Facilitator, who possesses a dashing alter-ego, ran a lazy 55km in 8 hours last week?
Which female Goal Umpire will be paying the largest fine at the next post-training fines session?
The week in numbers - Week Two
0 – the number of metres run by our fitness coach at training this week
1/5 – the odds of Noons being back in Premier League by Round 2
1 – The number of weeks Noons was officially retired from Premier League
5 – The number of hot dogs consumed by Butler after training
7 – The number of days Noons was officially retired from Premier League
9 – The number of Round 1 Premier League Débutantes
12 – The number of times Jamo cried like a girl on the rub down table last weekend
30 – The number of hooks sold at the hook auction this week (albeit only 7 through auction)
50 – The number of Premier League matches umpired by Mel Thiele
96 – The percentage of surveyed umpires who believed Noons would be back in Premier League prior to Round 5
150 – The number of Premier League matches umpired by Simon Walker (assuming he doesn’t fall off a roof, get run over by his kids at BMX or stand on a rusty nail between now and the weekend)
168 – The number of hours Noons was officially retired from Premier League
5,200 – the number of metres run by Groups 1 & 2 during the main segment of training this week
10,080 – The number of minutes Noons was officially retired from Premier League